I knew I felt some type of disturbance in The Force last evening, a gravitational pull upon me staff that could only be explained by the presence of not one, but two new moons in local orbit around the Egotastic! offices, and, indeed, my suspicions were confirmed upon seeing Jordan Carver dining out in Hollywood last evening, her two stellar orbs on bright red cleavetastic display outside Maestro’s steakhouse. A juicy bit of red meat indeed.
It’s not that I want to stare like a catatonic drooling fool at Jordan’s amazingly well-rounded foreground funbags, it’s just that it’s impossible not to. They’re blessed beasts of nature that demand optical attention. Those State Fair blue ribbon melons have caused many a man to suffer horrific kinks in his neck, let alone the kinks in other places. They ought to be registered as lethal weapons; and I’d like to handle the registration process. Oh, dear Jordan, now that you’re in town, won’t you please please unleash those grandiose puppies. Enjoy.
Was it me that last week announced the final final end to 2012 Calendar previews? I think it must’ve been my evil identical twin brother, Ronaldo. That bastard gets me into all sorts of trouble; overspending on my credit cards, pinching girls bottoms at bars, and, worst of all, recording Project Runway on my DVR. Damn you, Ronaldo. I bet you got an evil twin of your own, so you can relate.
And, fact is, no way we’re not sharing the delightfully counter-culture hottie brunette, Vikki Blows, in her own celebration of the now current year’s sextastic twelve months. Every time I see Vikki Blows, I want to smile. Can’t help it. I also think about running barefoot through a field of overripe melons, but I’m not sure where that comes from. Simply put, we dig Vikki Blows in a uniquely lustful kind of way. She’s different. She’s hot. And she’s a solid way to mark the passage of time. Enjoy.
I couldn’t bother to remember exactly who Vienna Girardi is in relation to the craptastic assortment of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad reality programming that I would mercifully axe to death any of my own friends who even slipped into admitting they ever once peeked for even a minute at these shows. But I do think she was a winner, of some kind, and mostly now I’m just saying that because I’m once again staring lust over heels directly into her big-boobed bodacious body and I like to believe that women with sweet chest puppies always win in life.
Vienna was fooling around on a boat in Miami, showing off her curvy bikini body and sipping her Bud Light through a straw, which could only possibly make me want to donkey punch hug and cuddle her that much more. She is a sweetheart. Enjoy.
So maybe that abortion wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Just throwing that out there.
Photo: Splash News
Apparently Rihanna had to watch the Golden Globes for work, too, because here she is smoking a giant blunt in Hawaii yesterday and then doing a bunch of lazy stretches in yoga pants. Which would be awesome if we haven’t already seen her go on a 24-hour drunken butt sex smorgasbord, so now you see why I fancy myself a booze man. Plus it’s goddamn impossible to roofie weed. I enjoy its rich flavor and classy sophistication.
Photos: GSI Media, Fame/Flynet, Splash News
Back in December, we posted the above pics of Kim Kardashian leaving a studio with Kris Jenner to make fun of her “media lockdown” and like all things Kardashian, immediately pissed them out of our minds if I may stick to a theme here. Turns out they’ve apparently become the smoking black penis gun in proving that the Kardashians are completely re-editing and re-shooting scenes for Kim & Kourtney Take New York to make Kris Humphries look like the Darth Vader of husbands even though he’s a moron sandwich for latching on to this family, so fuck him. Via Reality Tea:
Does Kim outfit look familiar? It should because Kim is sporting the same exact outfit, same hairstyle and same makeup as she did in a scene that aired on KKTNY last Sunday which according to E! was filmed in Dubai… in October€¦ weeks before Kim pulled the plug on her marriage.
In the scene, Kim tries to garner sympathy appear remorseful as she tells her mom she is having marital issues with hubby Kris. There’s only one problem folks: Kim filed for divorce on October 31 and it appears that “Dubai” scene was actually taped in Los Angeles on Dec. 6. Still having doubts? Well, feel free to check out the outfit Kris’ assistant is carrying behind her. Ding ding ding! It’s the SAME “Dubai€ outfit plus Kris is still wearing the same earrings.
Wowzers. So this proves the Kardashians’ shows are as phony as the Kardashians. Furthermore, Kim and Kris actually filmed this scene last month to not only try to fool their audience, but to also try to make Kim a victim. Unfortunately for Kris Humphries, he didnât get a chance to go back and film phony scenes to help his image.
Reality Tea goes on to cite further proof that the Dubai scene was scripted and shot months later after the fact, but at this point, if you donât know that the Kardashians are the fakest whores this side of Fake Whore Canyon, the state legally has to provide you with a live-in helper so you don’t swallow pennies. So to whomever’s reading this post for their retarded friend, kindly relay that information to them unless you have no soul and want to see a person with special needs choke on a penny. Don™t be a dick.
h/t liebchenxx
Photos: Pacific Coast News
While Amber Heard technically wasn’t at an awards show this weekend, if anyone can somehow show up on a red carpet looking hotter than this, I’ll show you a photo of Katy Perry firing a winged Minka Kelly out of her naked breasts into Jessica Biel‘s ass.
Or Jon Hamm. Just a photo of Jon Hamm. I’m not gonna lie to you.
Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN
Oh, man, how we need some old-fashioned funbaggery at this moment. After losing next month’s rent money on a team that scored zero points in last night’s BCS Championship Game, and drowning my sorrows in past due bean dip and tequila that comes in the economical plastic bottle, it’s been a rough rough Tuesday. Only a fantabulous pair of knockers can cure these ails.
Thus, like a heaven-sent angel doth arrive Sophie Reade in her latest Nuts pictorial, something about bras and TVs, but mostly just about the life-nourshing orbs mounted on the hot side of one of our very favorite blonde bombshells.
Like a pacifier for grown ups, or really big babies, or sports gamblers with poor instincts. Enjoy.
Kris Admits To Affair Just To Sell a Few Books Read More »
“What do you mean I have to take a paternity test?”
Back in November, Kris Jenner admitted to cheating on Robert Kardashian for no other reason than to shill copies of her book, so of course it never even occurred to her that she also basically said, œOh, by the way, Khloe‘s a bastard.” Now Robert™s ex-wives Ellen Kardashian and Jan Ashley have revealed that Robert confessed to them that Khloe wasn’t his biological daughter. RadarOnline reports:
“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married,” Jan Ashley, 63, the woman who married Robert afte
r Kris Jenner, revealed to Star.
“He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…™OK,’ and that was it.”
…
But in a final bombshell, Ellen claims Robert told her that he and Kris werenâ€t even sleeping together at the time Khloe was conceived.
“[But] he never would have considered a DNA test,” Ellen concluded. “He loved her very much.â€
So, great, wonderful. Now we live in a world where something Scott Disick said was right. Granted, this adds more evidence to the massive pile visible from space that proves the Kardashians are nothing but lying money-grubbing whores hellbent on whoring lies for money, but at what price? At what price?
Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Splash News (Chewie: Star Wars Wiki)
Despite the fact Halle Berry launched an insane public custody battle where she basically called Gabriel Aubry a racist for fathering a child with her only to turn around and go, “Just kidding! Tee-hee!” when he produced recordings of her going batshit on his voicemail, Olivier Martinez has decided to propose to her anyway because in his defense, her tits are huge. People reports:
A rep for jewelry designer Gurhan tells PEOPLE that Olivier Martinez, Berry’s boyfriend of more than a year, has given her a diamond-and-emerald engagement ring.
The Oscar-winning actress, 45, costarred with Martinez, 46, a French actor, in the 20Ǫ film Dark Tide. They soon became an item off-screen.
Awesome, I hope Oliver Martinez looks forward to remembering this joyous occasion as the exact moment Halle Berry deduced he’s a racist and uses it in the divorce hearing. “Your honor, this man shackled my finger with a crude ring forged from stones culled from the earth and then forced me to live in the same house as him. I’m pretty sure we fought a war to end that shit. Now if you’ll just stare directly into my chest, I’d like some alimony. ALL the alimony.â€
Photos: INFdaily, Splash News, WENN
Posted by Photo Boy
- Having never watched Toddlers & Tiaras, I now know what it’s like to get addicted to heroin after shooting up for the first time. [theCHIVE]
- Coco is going to be on Law & Order: SVU again. Probably as a doctor or something. [Huffington Post]
- Anderson Cooper pretends to not know how to use a shake weight. [Dlisted]
- Steven Soderbergh‘s cell phone records are probably being monitored by the FBI as we speak. [Lainey Gossip]
- Here’s a model with giant breasts known only as Lacey Banghard. No, really. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Apparently Miley Cyrus is in her underwear in the new movie LOL starring Demi Moore. Everything about the previous sentence makes me want to knife myself in the face. [DrunkenStepfather: NSFW]
- Marie Claire put Christina Aguilera in a corset for her latest photo shoot. [Popoholic]
- Gavin Rossdale and a bunch of other over 40 actors that I’m in no way sexually attracted to. [TooFab]
- Hulk Hogan‘s mouth sounds disgusting. [TMZ]
- Sam Worthington wants to do musical comedies now. [Popsugar]
- AnnaLynne McCord horses around on the set of�. BUT WHERE’S HER NIPPLE??!! [Just Jared]
- Paul McCartney‘s next album can be sure of a least one copy sold. [BuzzFeed]
- Gina Carano called Channing Tatum a pussy, to which he responded by acting like a complete pussy. [Starpulse]
- Bar Refaeli‘s new workout looks fantastic. [IDLYITW]
- The 10 Cheesiest Movie Moments of 2011 [FilmDrunk]
- If you don’t laugh at this James Bond mash-up you have no soul. Or are over the age of 14. [Heavy]
- The 20 Most Unimaginable Flukes of Nature in Sports not including Tim Tebow and the interceding hand of the biggest football fan ever, the Lord Almighty himself. [Bleacher Report]
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Photo: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
“Stop looking at me, Chris Hansen.”
With her 20th birthday looming this year, underage face-mauler extraordinaire Wilmer Valderrama really didn’t have a choice when it came to dumping Demi Lovato over the weekend. The heart wants what the heart wants, and his just happens to want teenagers. You can’t fight nature! People reports:
A wise girl kisses but doesn™t love, listens but doesn’t
believe, and leaves before she is left,” the former Disney starlet, quoting Marilyn Monroe, re-Tweeted one of her followers early Tuesday morning.
Just minutes after the Tweet that appeared to come out of nowhere, Lovato then posted, â€The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.”
I should probably point out that Wilmer started dating Demi right before she checked into rehab – Just the way he likes them. Besides young. – so I can see how being with a less-impulsive woman with a higher self-esteem doesn’t exactly have the same luster. Had she continued spiraling down a path of self-destruction, they’d still be together, so in a way this is all Demi Lovato’s fault. You broke the man’s heart! HOW COULD YOU?!
Photos: Pacific Coast News
Elizabeth Taylor hasn’t even been dead a year yet, so of course Lifetime is considering taking the most giant, voluminous freckled piss on her grave imaginable. TheWrap reports:
[Lindsay] Lohan, 25, is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor in the upcoming Lifetime biopic “Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story.” An individual familiar with the negotiations told TheWrap that Lohan is in early conversations about the project.
Surprising resemblances aside, the real news here is that Lindsay Lohan has been reduced to making Lifetime movies of the week which has to make Jennifer Love Hewitt feel awesome. On that note, I’ll be standing outside her house selling Ben & Jerry’s for $50 a pint, and don’t worry, I™ll be sure to wear a tux and drop to one knee to lure her out. Like putty in my hands. Muahahahaha. Putty in my hands…
Photos: GSI Media, WENN
Will Dawn’s Co-Star on House of Lies Ever Go Topless? 9 Photos »
Dawn Olivieri is making a big splash this week on the sexy celebrity circuit, first with her topless appearance in the premiere episode of House of Lies on Showtime, and, now, in a mini-pictorial in this month’s Maxim magazine where the Florida native flashes one ridiculously fine body that we can only wait to see in even more exposed, prolonged formats.
Most definitely mark Dawn Olivieri on your personal lust radar; that blip you see is a hottie moving up the sextastic ladder several rungs at a time. Enjoy.
Because I just went off about Tim Tebow on Facebook again, here’s Mila Kunis breasts saving kids™ lives which is something I think we all can agree on. Also, I think we all can agree that their healing powers are transitive which is why I have to touch them. To save the children.
Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN
