Pooty Pulpit Newsflash: Kimberly Conrad Cheats on Hugh Hefner

When King Pimp Daddy goes after Princess Kept Woman, one need plan carefully for unforeseen contingencies to otherwise ironclad prenuptial agreements.

This afternoon Hugh Hefner alleged that his wife, Kimberly Conrad, cheated on him during their nine year marriage. September 4th, the octogenarian founder of Playboy Enterprises filed for divorce from the former 1989 Playmate of the Year. Although estranged over an 11 year period since their January 12, 1998 separation, Conrad lives on Hefner’s estate in a residence adjacent to the Playboy mansion.

It’s the money, stupid: after Hefner’s recent sale of Conrad’s Holmby Hills mansion (list price, $27,995,000), Conrad filed suit against her sugar daddy in August, seeking proceeds from the sale and claiming back alimony owed. Hefner claims in divorce papers filed Friday to have paid Conrad $12M subsequent to their separation. Amortized over 9 years . . . that’s one very costly Playmate Playdate, Daddy-O.

Short of bathing in the blood of young virgins, Hugh Hefner has done all humanly possible to maintain the illusion of postmortem virility. With the Girls Next Door, the Captain made necrophilia hip again. Even the Marquis de Sade had the good sense to limit himself to one zygote-cum-mistress in his twilight years. As iconic lifestyle standard-bearer for all pubescent and post-menopausal men, make your exit with some class. At your wake, do you want mourners to look wistfully at the famed grotto with sweet remembrances of youthful hedonism; or the disturbing visage of a naked Nosferatu sucking the life force from unsuspecting poonani?

Fucking yourself to death is laudable. Fucking yourself to death with an IV Viagra drip? That’s Othello and Iago in unholy alliance on a tandem bicycle with Desdemona lobbing tomatoes at them both.

Yours in Sweet Sin,

Mdm. Clarice Westwater