Mary Magdalene’s Vajj — The First Blessed Vajj?

After partnering with theologians and social anthropologists from all corners of the globe, MIII Ministries’ religious historians have concluded that the enigmatic lost holy grail was never lost nor proprietary. The holy grail is the Blessed Va-jj. Its purifying nectar is available to all sinners that avail themselves of its curative powers.

The debate carries on to this day whether or not Mary Magdalene’s vagina was the one and true Blessed Va-jj. Catholic Church Jesuits had blithely operated under this assumption for centuries. Church academics saw as sacrilege the very notion that the va-jj of another might be deified in such a manner. The singularity and sanctity of Mary’s va-jj as the Blessed Va-jj, however, was challenged when one of ten commissions of Roman Curia introduced a proposal encouraging the Church to adopt a more ecumenical view of the Blessed Va-jj.

The proposed democratization of va-jjs was heatedly debated at Vatican II. Cardinal Ottaviani protested that a decree bestowing the status of Blessed Va-jj upon the plebeian va-jj of the laity would undermine the very foundation of the Church. Ottaviani likened such a proposal to the absurdest lunchroom banter of his brethren contending upstart movie idol, James Dean, would somehow usurp Steve McQueen as box office and Roman Curia king of hearts. This infuriated Cardinal Josef Frings, Ottaviani’s arch conservative rival and president of Vatican City’s James Dean Fan Club. The matter was tabled for a period after a confounded and indignant Cardinal Frings, at wits end, tossed the papal dachshund, Fritzie, from an open window in St. Peter’s Basilica.

Much discord and fomentation followed.

The Commission revising the Code of Canon Law reviewed conflicting votums concerning the sacrament and status of Mary Magdalene’s va-jj as the, heretofore, one and true Blessed Va-jj. While efforts were made to lend transparency to the general sessions of Vatican II, there did exist a secret, eighteenth proposed schema. November 21, 1964, Pope Paul reaffirmed Mary as “Mother of the Church”. In the companion eighteenth schema, the Council Fathers concurred that Mary’s va-jj, while extraordinary, was not the one and true Blessed Va-jj. In keeping with the populist tone of the assembly, the College of Cardinals found that no singular va-jj, even one as tasty as Mary Magdalene’s, should be accorded such status; that all va-jj’s are, in their own right, blessed. So it was decreed and so it was written: the Blessed Va-jj was found not to be proprietary to any one person, much less any one faith.

Tragic that the senseless death of a dachshund would be required to coaxepiphany from the College of Cardinals. Not until Frings flung Fritzie from the Basilica did these men realize that beatification of one va-jj was to enslave all others. The pause provided by the dachshund’s untimely demise caused the cardinals to regroup, and compelled the emancipation of the laity va-jj by the Holy See. By recognizing the capacity of all female faithful to commune with God through their va-jjs, the Church acknowledged a truism celebrated by sex workers that predates both Catholicism and Christianity: there is a little holy trinity in every poonany and, without the lure of poonany, no scholar would bother attempting to decipher the holy trinity.

Any working girl that has been around the block to reach the penthouse will tell you, while form and features may vary slightly, all va-jjs have the mojo. Blond va-jjs may have a little extra mojo, but every va-jj has the capacity to leave a man god-sighted, if only momentarily. It didn’t take a papal encyclical for women to realize a cheerleader’s outfit, single malt scotch and va-jj mojo will yield more penance and future good acts from a man than any church confessional.

None of this is revelation to my sisters in Christ and whoredom. Nor would it have been a revelation to the Council Fathers had they bothered to listen with their hearts and not false pride whilst serviced by their consorts. As all my hooker-nuns at the Church of the Blessed Va-jj know, behind every great man is a mistress that serves as muse.

Yours in the sweetest of sins,

Mdm Clarice Westwater