Leave Sex to the Pros, Miss Teen USA!
Hello darlings. Your favorite Priestess of Pleasure with more pearls of wisdom. The other night I was multitasking: working feverishly on this Sunday’s sermon — and my magic button — as Big Brother’s hunk-o-licious Jeff Schroeder paraded around topless. He’s one Chicagoan I really need to ‘convert’. Then corrupt and convert again. Penance can be fun.
I was blissfully coming up on my second orgasm watching Chia-Pecs struggle to form a complete thought when, without warning, my ‘man in the boat’ hits arctic waters and takes cover below deck. The sexytime kill of which I speak was attributed to yet another poorly executed celebutard sex tape. One minute the E! cable channel is eaves dropping on Chia-Pec’s Diary Room confession; the next, former Miss Teen USA turned Hollywood madam, Kari Ann Peniche, is doing the lipstick lesbian two-step with Rebecca Gayheart. Grey’s Anatomy Eric “McSteamy” Dane, was manning the camcorder, and little else, while attempting pseudo-hipster commentary that fell as flat as his cracker ass.
“What,” I queried to my toy pug Bitsie, “the fuck?!” Major Blessed Va-jj buzz 
kill! What was this aesthetic blight scarring my retinas? The dialogue was atrocious, the bodies bloated, the lighting whacked, and the phallus flaccid. Bitsie, that slut, had done the last of my blow, so I had to settle for a glass or three of Petrus to dull the pain of this full frontal assault to the senses.
[/caption]
As High Priestess of the Church of the Blessed Va-jj, I enjoy naughty babysitter role play as much as the next evangelical dominatrix. Don’t get me wrong. While at seminary, we had a course devoted to the fine art of cheerleader, babysitter and Catholic schoolgirl pooty hootenanny. Miss Teen USA, Kari Ann Peniche apparently skipped this class. Conveying innocence and naiveté severely overtaxed her acting chops. Kari Ann was the antithesis of virginal vessel. She was more cogent, sassy and in control than her menopausal playmates. Ms. Peniche was the very embodiment of she-devil, cock-collector succubus that is the Jonas Brother’s lament. If you look closely, she’s credited in their CD liner notes.
Irrepressible auteur, Pimp Daddy Dane, demanded that he be addressed as “Tuff Hedeman”, his flesh-flick stage name. Hedeman is Eric’s fave bull rider. In a master stroke of self-incrimination, McSteamy Dane managed to turn the camcorder on Peniche as she read off his credit card number to her escort agency “ the agency she owns and operates. The only prop missing was Peniche’s green accountant’s visor as she calculated California sales tax on the transaction.
The Gawker, Celebitchy and other online gossip rags linked to the sex tape shortly after it was leaked €“ by the madam herself! Miss Teen USA was caught flaunting the tape to Hollywood watering hole lonely hearts. Her viral marketing efforts drew the attention of LA’s vice squad who subsequently confiscated Peniche’s pasties, tape and tiara.
Before turning her first trick, a good hooker must know all the tricks. First rule of hallowed whoredom: “Thy shall not indulge client or oneself in acts of sodomy or commerce whilst being videotaped.” This holds especially true when the clients look like the last two standing at an Arkansas swingers’ convention key party. Peniche, 25, was previously stripped of her Miss Teen USA title after posing for Playboy. Even famed addiction specialist and underwear model, Dr. Drew, was unable to spin Peniche’s flesh peddling as sex addiction, after the tiara’d, tiny-titted terror cold cocked a 200 lb cameraman and slipped cash “borrowed” from achy-breaky Nashville train-wreck, Mindy McCready, to visiting drug dealers.
The world’s oldest and proudest profession, hookery, should not be run by the dim bulb Heidi Montags of the world. I see potential in Peniche. Send her my way and Ill assist in her matriculation. But please, please do not give my proud livelihood a black eye through amateur hour worst practices.
Keep those tithings coming in, my beloved cybergation, because Momma is gonna be doing some serious haute couture retail therapy tomorrow. Oy vey.
Yours in Sweet Sin,
Mdm Clarice Westwater
